Sun and Calm

I keep going back to the one thing I need to walk away from. I am so consumed and yet I deny myself of this blatant fact. I have let myself try to let go. 

It's hard. 

I would sooner hit my head on the wall than accomplish the aforementioned. I'm sick. I'm so sick of being in love with a monster of a man. But he is no monster. I have placed him high on a pedestal yielding him much power on me. Strange. His hold on me has always been an enigma. That it be retained to this very day after the lies, deceit, the cheating, the pain. I am beginning to manifest masochistic tendencies. I seem to anchor myself in my pain. Unhealthy. But what am I to do?

I waste away in sighs, in tears, in hope, and in regret. All for the promise of an unsure and most probably a painful tomorrow.

The sun shines when the heaven clears, there's a calm after the storm. Where art thou oh sun that doth heaven hides from me? Where art thou my calm I've sought for over a time?